MIDWEST MARK was out of town this weekend celebrating his MIDWEST WIFE’S graduation with her Master’s degree along with the rest of her family downstate. So while I didn’t have a chance to get online all weekend, I did have ample opportunity to mindlessly flip through television programming and happened upon a little gem on the DISCOVERY CHANNEL called NAKED AND AFRAID.
Now that I am home, unpacked, done with the standard 3-s’s (subsequently, not simultaneously… I figured that one out the hard way), I can confidently wax poetic via keystroke.
Contrary to popular belief, NAKED AND AFRAID is not:
1. The title of the latest LIFETIME movie
2. The true life documentary of HONEY BOO BOO’s mother’s wedding night
3. How MIDWEST MO fondly remembers the afterparty of his junior prom.
Now that we know what it’s not, here’s what it is: two complete strangers, one male and one female, take off all of their clothing, grab one “useful tool” of their choosing and get airlifted into some extremely unfriendly environment in attempts to survive there for 21 days. Note that they have no food, water, shelter, pants, etc to help them along the way, just their own wits and ingenuity to get them through as long as possible.
I caught a couple episodes of this show and it’s really amazing what lengths people go through to survive. And now that I’ve caught two episodes, I’m quickly adding the rest of them to my DVR. The one that I saw had two people in Borneo without undiseased sources of water. The woman ended up going three days without water while the guy ended up casually drinking from the river and contracting some sort of malaria-type fever before being medically evacuated around day 6. She somehow survived another ten days alone while being completely nude.
Three points of curiosity here… how much does it piss them off that the camera crew sits around eating Fiddle Faddle while they slowly die and desperately dig for worms to eat? Second, how long will it be before the guy uses his “useful tool” (assume that all standard males choose ‘machete’) to butcher the entire camp in some sort of solo “Lord of the Flies” frenzy and feast like a (sick, twisted) king for the remaining 19-ish days? Finally, how can any survival show possibly top this one? Answer: Use midgets. Case closed.
Don’t get me wrong here, even though this show is far and away #1 among the male demographic, it is not at all about T&A… the fact that they are naked only furthers the sense of complete dread you have for the poor saps as you half expect a water moccasin to take a strike at the guy’s dangly bits as he sloughs calf-deep through a swamp. Six episodes have aired in total and a “best of” episode just aired last night. I’m sure that DISCOVERY will play reruns for some time. And based on its ratings, expect to see a second season just as soon as they can find more naked people to use as wildlife fodder.
So let me casually lob this question to the audience… if you were naked in a jungle for 21 days, what one thing would you bring with you? I would personally lug around a 5 gallon jug of Hinckley and Schmidt. And not share.