The Worst Christmas Songs

Remember when the Christmas season didn’t start until AFTER Thanksgiving?  Those were the good ‘ole days weren’t they?  Now, Christmas starts shortly after Father’s Day in June and we are subjected to the horrible torture that is bad Christmas music.  Since we can’t escape the music, because it’s everywhere we go, we have all heard these terrible songs over and over and over and over.  When I take over the world, the following songs will be put on a banned list and the consequences for anyone that dares to play them will be dire.  Here they are, the worst Christmas songs:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen)

Don’t give me anything about this guy being the boss or how he is a legend or anything like that because you are right, he is the boss and he is a legend.  Even the boss gets it wrong from time to time though and this song is an abomination.

 

A Wonderful Christmas Time (Paul McCartney)

Remember what I said about it being possible for a legend to screw up?  This song is another example of that.  Paul McCartney gives us this song.  The guy who wrote Yesterday did this song.  It’s almost too hard to believe.

 

Santa Baby (Madonna)

Remember when Madonna thought she was Marilyn Monroe?  She has had plenty of hits, but she has missed quite a bit too and this song is an example of a miss.

 

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (Spike Jones and His City Slickers)

This song is so grating that when I hear it, I start to envision ways of destroying my hearing. I’d rather live in silence the rest of my life than have to listen to this.

 

Christmas Don’t Be Late (The Chipmunks)

Pretty much anything they sing is annoying to the point of praying for deafness but this one is at the top of the list when it comes to music sung by people pretending to be chipmunks.

 

Run, Rudolph, Run (Chuck Berry)

I guess in 1957, Americans were very easy to entertain.  This song reaches retirement age this year and should be forced to retire so younger, hungrier songs can come along and do the job cheaper and more efficiently.

 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Klaus (Jimmy Boyd)

What is it about the 50s?  Everything seems to have sucked during that time.  I’m amazed that America was becoming a super-power during that time because we appeared to be so simple-minded that the dumbest things enthralled us.  It’s a miracle that the Russians didn’t beat us.

 

Last Christmas (Wham)

I remember liking this song for the first few days of the Christmas season in 1984.  Then by day 5, it has been played 468,000 (a rough estimate) times and it became one of my most hated of Christmas songs.

 

Little Saint Nick (The Beach Boys)

I would bet that when any of the surviving members of the Beach Boys hear this song, they feel shame (not the kind of shame they feel when they remember that they had John Stamos in their band for a time, but shame none the less).

 

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (The Jackson 5)

The second time this song shows up on this list.  Perhaps artists should take that as a clue and don’t ever record this song ever again.

 

All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)

I hate this song more than any other Christmas song.  We get it Mariah, you have a good voice.  We also know that you have an incredible vocal range.  Do you really have to show it off in every fricken song?

4 Comments on The Worst Christmas Songs

  1. Midwest Mark // December 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm //

    “Christmas Shoes” makes me want to punch children. And the barking dogs Jingle Bells makes me hate my ears.

  2. Very funny post. I dislike all of those songs… except Mariah’s. For some reason it has grown on me in recent years. (P.S. My 14 year old Ethiopian son would include “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” to this ‘Worst of’ list.)

    • Midwest Mike // December 24, 2012 at 9:14 pm //

      Really? When I first heard it, I was a fan. Over time it has become the most grating of them all.

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