The WaxVac Commercial

WaxVacGuyAre your ears so filthy and disgusting that a cotton swab just won’t cut it anymore?  Does gently cleaning your ear canal with a wisp of soft fuzz make you scream in agony?  Does your doctor warn you against the imminent threat to health and well being that is the Q-tip?


Then you need to immediately buy two WaxVacs (just add separate processing).

This cannot be unseen:

Before we can truly appreciate the technological breakthrough of such an innovation, we must understand some historical context.  The cotton swab was invented in 1923 by Leo Gerstenzang who called them “Q Tips Baby Gays” which were eventually shortened to simply “Q Tips” (I wonder why) and became the most widely used brand of cotton swabs in the US.

Now 90 years later, we can kiss the Q Tip goodbye and simply shove a tiny vacuum up there.  Does anybody else see a problem here?  Sure, a cotton swab can puncture your eardrum if you are a complete moron or are prone to mid-ear-cleaning seizures.  But I would suppose that gently poking at your eardrum is much better than sucking it straight out of your head with a glorified dustbuster.

And what’s with the blue-filtered guy in the beginning?  OW!  He might as well be jamming an ice pick in there.  Maybe it’s not the cotton swab that’s the problem, I’m pretty sure that’s early-onset tourettes.  He better get that checked out by a doctor…

Who then gives a shameless plug to the WaxVac.  And I quote: “Don’t use a cotton swab in your ear, because it can cause significant damage.”  Thanks Kenneth.  Here’s what they cut out of the infomercial:  “But jesus christ don’t stick a vacuum in there… that’s plain dumb”

Order now, and it comes with a bunch of silicone tips for the whole family to enjoy!  is there a puddle of water and/or sawdust in your ear?  WaxVac it.  Did the baby stick a cheerio in his ear?  Whip out the WaxVac.  Sinus issues?  Jam that sucker straight up your nose.  But my eardrum just tore out of my head and rolled under the cabinet!  Don’t worry–there’s a ‘powerful examining light’ to help you find it!

Note that it’s the self proclaimed “Gentle and Effective Ear Cleaner” and not the “Gentle, Effective and SAFE Ear Cleaner.”  High five for permanent hearing damage, mom!

Add this to the list of things I will never purchase: