The Esquire Network

esquire networkIn news that you probably didn’t hear about and probably don’t care about, the G4 Network will be getting rebranded as the Esquire Network starting on April 22.

This is huge news for almost 28 people who can’t wait to see what the change in leadership to Esquire magazine will mean to the TV landscape.  Everyone who is a fan of TV should be excited.  I’m going to use what I know about Esquire (everything I learned is based on the magazine’s cover page because I’ve never read a single edition) to predict what kind of programming we can expect to see on the Esquire Network.  Coming next fall on the Esquire Network:

America’s tightest girl pants

37 guys under the age of 30 live in the same house together and compete to see which of them can get the tightest girl pants on while doing their hair and wearing their big sunglasses.

Facial Hair and You

A hard-hitting news show about all kinds of facial hair.  Is a 5 o’clock shadow cool enough?  Should you grow it out to full hipster douche bag length?  What about mustache wax?  Can you use too much?  Facial Hair and You will answer the tough facial hair questions that today’s male must have answered and they will pull no punches.  Tune in to Facial Hair and You to learn how to get that look that will guarantee that you won’t be able to get a job anywhere.

Johnny Fedora and the White Belt Gang

What network would be complete without a crime drama?  When it comes to solving such crimes as who broke the bike lock on the community bike or who broke the needle on the record player used to listen to your vinyl because everyone knows that true music fans only listen to vinyl, there is no messing with Johnny Fedora and the White Belt Gang.  Do they drink too much PBR?  Sure.  At times.  But don’t tell them that because they were drinking PBR back before you had ever heard of it and before it became the “cool” thing to do so don’t even begin to star talking to them about it.  If you have a crime that just can’t be solved by the police because the police represent the man and they don’t do anything but repress minorities, then you need to call Johnny Fedora and the White Belt Gang.

The Unheard of Music Trivia Show

You know that band that you saw in that neighborhood bar last weekend?  Well the contestants on The Unheard of Music Trivia Show already knew who they were, already liked them before it was cool, and has already decided they are no longer cool because they are sell outs now.  Tune in to see who can talk about the most unheard of music showing you just how little you think you know about music because you don’t really know music anyway because all you like is pop music and they aren’t musicians but are too main stream to be cool.

Well I’m excited.  If these are the shows that we can expect to see on the Esquire Network, then count me in.  The Esquire Network begins broadcasting on April 22.  You have just enough time to start growing that handlebar mustache.

2 Comments on The Esquire Network

  1. I think you missed a huge part of the Esqire network. How many Tyler Perry will be available?

    • Midwest Mike // June 15, 2013 at 1:32 pm //

      Tyler Perry will not be available for Esquire because he totally and completely owns TBS. Stay tuned to TBS this fall for the outrageous new comedy “Tyler Perry Presents: What? Another F-ing Tyler Perry Show?”

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