The Bachelor – Preview

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The Bachelor will be premiering on ABC tomorrow night and I know there are plenty of people (women) out there who can’t wait.  As a professional writer, I sometimes have to do things, and watch things, that I don’t want to just because duty calls.  So, for our female fans, I will be watching and reporting on ABC’s The Bachelor.  Let’s meet the cast:

The Bachelor – Sean Lowe

sean lowe

Sean was the last man eliminated before the final episode of the last Bachelorette and apparently it shocked America.  He was popular enough to get his own show and his own chance to find love.  Sean is a 29 year old former insurance agent who now is running his own high-end furniture company.  He’s from Texas and is a former college football player. Just look at that smile.  He’s quite dreamy also.

25 bachelorettes will be competing for Sean’s heart.  ABC has been kind enough to provide a cheat sheet so you can learn some basic facts about the ladies that has some basic stats.  I don’t know if they did this on purpose, but the three stats they provide, tidiness level, length of longest relationship, and amount of time needed to get ready for a date, are three perfect stats to make a basic prediction about the PITA (pain in the ass) level for each of the ladies.  Here are the lovely ladies:

Amanda – 26, Bakersfield, CA

amanda the bachelor

Amanda is 26 and from Bakersfield, CA.  She works as a fit model.  At first I thought that was a typo on the part of ABC.  Did they mean she was a fitness model or that she is a model that is fit?  I actually looked it up and found out that there is such a thing as a fit model.  Who knew?  Well not me.  I’m a guy.  Amanda’s stats indicate to me that she is probably in the mid-range level for PITA.  Her longest relationship was 5 years which shows a lower level of annoying-ness and she needs little time to get ready for a date which indicates she is not a high maintenance woman.  Her tendency to be very tidy increases her PITA rating and the fact that she is a model does as well.  With other stats being a low PITA, these are what bring her to the mid-range that I suspect.


Ashlee F. – 32, Houston, TX

ashlee f the bachelor

Ashlee F. is a personal organizer from Houston, TX.  She is one of 2 bachelorette’s to have been married previously.  She’s a neat freak, her longest relationship has been 3yrs, and she needs 3 hours to get ready for a date.  At 32, to have your longest relationship be 3yrs (and you were even married) is not a good sign.  Needing 3 hours to get ready for a date is also a very, very, very bad sign.  My guess is that this woman’s PITA rating is through the roof.


Ashley P. – 28, Macomb, MI

ashley p the bachelor

Ashley P. is a hair stylist from Macomb, MI.  I have to give her a very high PITA rating as well.  Her longest relationship is only 2yrs and she needs 90 minutes to get ready for a date.  Those things themselves would generally put her in the mid-range for PITA but something she says in her bio pushes her up towards crazy.  When asked whether she thinks of herself as a romantic or not, she gives this answer: “Yes! extremely I wear my <3 on my sleeve and tend to let my emotions rule over my head and romantic attention (I am a Leo).”  Any sane man will run as fast as they can from any woman that references astrology in any serious manner.  Believing in astrology is something high PITA women do and that alone would push her score up to crazy levels.


Ashley H. – 25, Garner, NC

ashley h the bachelor

Ashley H. works as a fashion model.  If I were Sean, I would run from this chick immediately.  There is no such thing as a sane fashion model.  She might be fun to look at and she would probably be fun to date, but if Sean is serious about looking love, run from this girl.  Remember Stephanie Seymour?  She was so crazy that even someone who is as crazy as Axyl Rose couldn’t even stand to be with her.  There is a long history of craziness in the model world.  Run from this girl.  Run before she douses you with gasoline in your sleep and you wake up with her standing over you holding a lighter with a creepy smile on her face asking you how much you love her.


Brooke – 25, Pittsburgh, PA

brooke the bachelor

Brooke works as a community organizer.  Apparently that job really does exist.  If I had to guess, I’d say that Brooke probably tends to lean a bit to the left in her politics.  Politics is a very important part of a relationship because unless you are these two people, opposites do not attract when it comes to politics.  Texas tends to be a pretty conservative state but Sean is from Houston, which went for Obama (barely) in the last election so it’s possible that Sean’s politics could match-up with Brooke’s so she is not necessarily out of the running right from the start.  She hasn’t had much in the way of long-term relationships and she needs a rather alarming amount of time to get ready for a date, those coupled with her job which I’m guessing would make her rather preachy, I’d say her PITA rating is fairly high.


Catherine – 26, Seattle, WA

catherine the bachelor

Catherine works as a graphic designer in Seattle, WA.  She rates herself as messy, her longest relationship was 3yrs, and she needs 90 minutes to get ready for a date.  Right now, I’d say that Catherine has the lowest PITA rating of any of the bachelorette’s so far.


Daniella – 24, Belmont, CA

daniella the bachelor

Daniella is a commercial casting associate which means she works for a casting director to help find actors and actresses for commercials.  She rates herself as neither messy nor tidy, her longest relationship is about 3yrs, and she needs very little time to get ready for a date.  I’d put her in the low PITA range.


8 Comments on The Bachelor – Preview

  1. Midwest Melissa // January 7, 2013 at 7:51 pm //

    Okay, gonna go on the record that 10 min in I could see that Tierra (who actually lives in Denver, apparently, is OFF THE CHARTS crazy. But he is smitten and will not see the crazy until it’s very late, if ever. Okay…back to football.

  2. Hilarious post! Thanks for watching this so we don’t have to.

  3. I don’t quite understand how this show is still on tv but I do feel confident that my streak of never watching it will remain intact. Good breakdowns on the stats but one thing to remember, people do a fairly good job at hiding “crazy” for a while but it always comes out.

    • Midwest Mike // January 6, 2013 at 8:53 pm //

      Which is even more alarming. People do try to hide their crazy, especially early in the dating process. The fact that these women would share some of these stats shows that a) they don’t think there is anything wrong with them, and b) that there is probably a whole hell of a lot more crazy under the surface that they haven’t shown us yet….yet.

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