The 5th Circle of Hell: It’s Christmas Time!

So I’m sitting on my couch in MWTVG headquarters today, November 18, not even yet to Thanksgiving, watching football and I find myself already irritated with Christmas commercials. There are two types of commercials that I really hate at Christmas (if mid-November can now be considered Christmas) time.  First, any and all jewelry commercials and second, car commercials, specifically those that come with a big giant bow.

Let’s talk about the diamond commercials.  For starters, how insulting are these things to both men and women?  From a man’s perspective, apparently to a jewelry company, the only way to be a good man and show your wife or girlfriend (or your mistress, we don’t judge here at MWTVG) that you love them is to spend thousands of dollars on them to buy them a rock.

From the women’s perspective (which I am fully qualified to speak on), not only do you not have a good man if he doesn’t buy you jewelry, but you are also apparently so shallow that the only thing you could possibly be happy with is a new diamond necklace. Here is one that ran roughly 642,000 times last Christmas that made me nearly get rid of my TV:


What the F is up with the dude’s voice in this?  Is he trying to be some kind of a bad ass?  And what about the woman?  There is some thunder so she has to bury herself in his shoulder because she is sooooooooo scared by lightning and thunder?

I don’t want to let those car commercials off the hook either so let’s talk about them for a second.  Who the hell is so pretentious that they actually will buy that red bow that goes along with the car?  First, the bow isn’t cheap but I guess if you are buying a Lexus, what’s another $150 or so am I right? What I want to know is, who can run out and buy a car without their spouse knowing about it?  How is that even possible?  Maybe it’s just me here and I might be showing you behind the curtains a bit, but if I’m buying a car, not only do I want my wife in on the decision, I NEED her in on that decision for the credit report.  Again though, I guess when you are buying a Lexus, you live in a different world than this guy and purchases of tens of thousands of dollars just ain’t no thang. Here is a Lexus commercial for you to hate on:


A couple of thoughts.  First, how is it snowing and there is no snow on the car?  Is this something else that we are not being told about rich people’s cars?  Do they not have to brush snow off their cars in the morning?  What am I talking about.  Of course they don’t.  They either have their car in the car stable, or they have someone who does the brushing for them.  Also, do rich people get up and get dressed like that on Christmas morning?  Really?  I know that doesn’t happen at my house.  Here is more what my house looks like on Christmas morning:

Now this isn’t really my house but check out those sweet jean shorts on the left.  I just don’t have the legs any more to pull that outfit off but if I could, I’d be wearing that this Christmas.

The worst part about these commercials is that there is no getting away from them.  No matter where you go or what you watch, they will be there.  These commercials actually make me long for the days of the Presidential campaign.  I’d much rather watch campaign commercials than see another jewelry or car commercial.  The good news is that as of today, we have just 36 days until Christmas.  It almost sounds like the title to a horror movie and who knows, if these commercials don’t let up and if the Mayans turn out to be right, it just might be.