With Armageddon only mere hours away, I want to take to the blogosphere with my very own bold prediction of the end times. It seems like every channel on TV and every news site on the net has an obsession with this Mayan prophesy hubbub… so what’s the deal?
I figure that if the Armageddon can be predicted by ancient civilizations, old books, bearded drug addicts, kool-aid aficionados, Michael Stipe and dumb elderly mathematicians, it can absolutely be predicted by some random guy in the Chicagoland area who uses his moderately decent grasp on the English language to write commentary on TV.
MIDWEST MARK’S end-times prediction within:
Let me go waaaaay out on a limb here and deliver my bold prediction. I personally guarantee that 100% without a doubt the world is not going to end. We will all wake up tomorrow morning, go about our day, go to sleep that night and wake up on Saturday without so much as a slight galactic fart being out of place. That’s right, folks. World’s going to stay put.
How can I be so sure? Allow me to deliver my three-point proof:
1. The Mayans? Not alive anymore. If they were so smart about my end times, how about they focus on their own end times? Answer? Because there was no way for them to know. If they put half the effort of their astronomy club into common sense disease prevention, they might be here today to explain that our paranoia is all for naught.
2. But the Mayans were so technologically advanced! Mayans had sticks, rocks and human sacrifice. We have the Hubble Telescope, Blu Ray and HDTV. Did a Mayan ever land on the moon? I think not. Mayan astronomers? I suppose if I was unemployed and stared at the sky all day that I would figure it out after a while too.
3. The track record of predicting Armageddon has been simply atrocious. Maybe it’s because nobody knows. And don’t get me started about that Harold Camping clown… he should be ashamed to be alive. How many times can a sucker be suckered before they stop sucking at life? So people are giving away all of their money and possessions and killing themselves? You’re in for a nasty anti-climactic surprise.
So as not to worry our 14-15 dedicated readers, we will for sure be back after tomorrow to continue our snarky commentary on the happenings around the broadcast airwaves.
On a side note, if any of you whackos happen to be reading this and really want to give their last-minute money away to a good cause, message me for my paypal account! 100% of the proceeds going to ‘charity’ if you count MARK, MO and MIKE’S bank accounts as such.