Yes, the title of this week’s episode is “Rednecks in Heat”. You read that correctly.
One of my personal standards is never admitting fault. In fact, it’s pretty hard to admit fault when you’re never wrong, case in point: yours truly. Although I was wrong one time… I thought I made a mistake. But now I do humbly submit to you, dear readers, that I made the mistake of missing last week’s episode of PARTY DOWN SOUTH. And missing one episode means that I missed a lot, given the intricately woven and highly nuanced storyline unfolding week after week. Here’s a brief synopsis of what I have been able to piece together so far:
People do dumb things when they drink.
So does that make Mattie’s alter ego Martha the Yellow King? And is that little room with the hammock their own personal Carcosa? What is the deeper symbolism of passing out cold after drinking a case of tequila? Is Marty’s daughter somehow involved? Sorry, I still have a large part of my brain dedicated to processing TRUE DETECTIVE.
Anyway, people do dumb things when they drink. That’s both the depth and breadth of PARTY DOWN SOUTH. At this point in the cast’s rocket ride to hillbilly superstardom, we see some cracks begin to form in their well oiled PR machine.
Case #1: The cast and crew of PARTY DOWN SOUTH were recently booted out of their second season setting of Pensacola, FL by a group of people who call themselves “Locals Against Party Down South.” Only a group of idiots looking to kick out a TV show from their city would name themselves something like LAPDS which is way too easy to syllabically break down to “LAPDANCE”. Kindly go hate mail their facebook page. So lapdance drove them to the edge of town a la Rambo in First Blood and now they have no home. I don’t care what anybody says… these people are a-ok in my book. Dear cast and crew of PARTY DOWN SOUTH… you are welcome to come party down in Aurora, IL anytime you want to. Not like you would want to, but just sayin’.
Case #2: The proprietor of the magical johnson himself, Lyle Boudreaux was recently arrested for stealing somebody’s wallet out of their car and opening a bar tab during Mardi Gras. Surprising? Not in the least. I doubt his powers of genital-based persuasion were any help to him in the clink… o r w e r e t h e y?
So who out of the cast is next to get busted for drugs and/or die (taking a page from the Gandee Candy playbook)? My guess is Lauren with the luck she has been having all season.
Which brings us to this week’s episode. Mattie and Lauren are getting ready for a date which leaves Lyle Boudreaux and the merry adventures of his magical johnson out cold and flaccid. Mattie ends up going to dinner with a dude that looks like Thor in white pants and Lauren gets completely stood up. This is what I’m talking about. The second night in the house she was used then promptly discarded by a Boudreaux (baby!) and then has been tossed out, ignored and neglected ever since. Isn’t that how Dahmer got crazy? More or less?
Allegedly, it was the last day of work for the housemates. I contend that they have not collectively worked one full day the entire summer they were in South Carolina. Unless you count their grueling filming schedule that they made a whopping $5000 each over the course of the show. Hopefully the liquor was free, because they drank about 10x that dollar value in shots alone.
Now let us pause for a new segment I would like to call “Deep Thoughts from a Grown Man Named Daddy”: So, I meet this girl at the Beaver Bar, right? Don’t even remember who she is, like, don’t even remember what she looks like… I met her drunk. I don’t know her name at this point. Like Samantha? Sah…sah…sah… I think I wrote it down in the phone book it’s like Spamasha? Spamawsha? Smawsha? Tasha? Whatever the hell. I’m not good with names, like I’ll probably just call her “Daddy” all night long, you know? (special note: her name is “Evan”)
He continues: “I’ve totally, like, never heard of a girl named Evan before. Like, I did one time bang a chick with the same name, her name was Ryan. Was Ryan alright? How many people have done that? You should give me a gold medal for that!”
The mystery girl heads over to the house, acts like an absolute idiot and promptly gets kicked out. Pots, kettles and all that. Later, Tiffany drunkenly demands that Walt join her in the bedroom. Walt answers her demands with a whole lot of confusion and does not oblige her. This sends Tiffany into a crying fit about poor body image. Chicks are so one-dimensional.
The next day, they head over to the River House for a bonfire, pig roast, beer drinking and chick baggin’. Lyle reminds his housemates for the 175th time that he’s a Boudreaux. Mattie gets sloppy again, starts yelling, strips her clothes off and passes out. Everybody else gets on a slip and slide and Walt gets a bj from some random skank in the bathroom. Come to think of it, I’ve been blogging now for almost a year and a half and am pretty sure I have never typed the word ‘skank’ before. Skankety-skank-skank. Great, now it’s out of my system.
Daddy and Lyle take two chicks back to a bed but Daddy calls his the wrong name (twice) and they both leave. Lyle passes out a defeated man. Afterwards, Cory (the one who owns the River House) made out with the chick who just made out with Walt’s junk. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of their lives.
Is next week the final week of this nonstop drunken orgy of a reality show? I think it is. What a shame. Hopefully they find another place to film and get back on TV soon because I need my periodic fix of trainwreck. Join me next week for tearful farewells.