If it’s Thursday, it’s time for a required weekly viewing of B4, otherwise known as PARTY DOWN SOUTH. In this episode of Party Down South – Mattie goes Martha on everybody’s ass and if you have no idea what that means, join the club. If you’re just newly joining my relentless pursuit of literary justice for this show, I have officially renamed it BAGGIN’ BABES AND BONGIN’ BEERS (B4 for short) which seems like a much more appropriate and all-encompassing title than PARTY DOWN SOUTH. Although I suppose the creators meant ‘PARTY DOWN SOUTH’ to be a clever double-entendre signifying something about Lyle’s penis, but that all being said, I doubt that half the people who watch the show for legitimate purpose will be able to pick up on that.
Let us revisit a critical plot point from the episode boldly titled “It’s my Birrrday” (a title which I think they stole from Ralph Waldo Emerson): Mattie goes through some sort of reverse Cinderella-like transformation which occurs in the magic hourlong timeslot between her seventeenth drink and when her pants fall off. This frightening alter ego is named “Martha” and as Murray so aptly put it, she turns into a “puddle ‘o’ dumb or somethin.” To quote the trusty KJV, “And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and her name that sat on him was Martha, and Hell followed with her. And power was given to them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.” Ok, so I might have paraphrased a bit there, but you got the idea.
We lead off tonight’s episode with the entire house suddenly devolving into a giant mess. Lauren and Tiffany get weepy, Mattie/Martha gets screamy, Lil Bit starts praying and the guys sit around thinking all the chicks are crazy. Editor’s note: they would be correct. Lyle intervenes with his wiener (Interwiens?) and everything settles down for the night.
The next day at work, they hit cardboard break-down duty for about five minutes and call it a day. Afterwards, the girls all sit down and squawk at each other about crazy chick stuff. According to Tiffany, “I am hot mad, I’m going to end up hitting her, and then it’s just gonna escapade. Nothing’s gonna get resolved today and I know it.” You read that right. Escapade. They apologize after a while and head out into the country to blow things up. Specifically, dry ice bombs in 2-liter bottles. According to Walt, “Sometimes a dry ice bomb is kinda like sex. It will happen. And when it does… kaboom”
Speaking of their job, let’s digress for a moment. Fun fact: did you know that they only make $500 per episode? Right now they are refusing to film any more scenes until they get a raise. I think I see the problem here. When you make $500 per episode but knock back $750 worth of liquor per episode, that sizable difference needs to come from somewhere, and it sure as heck isn’t coming from “working” at a marina for one hour every other day. It’s simple “guns and butter”(scotch schnapps) economics. So come on CMT, throw these poor souls a bone here. What’s the worst that could happen? *checks notes* Dying while muddin’ in your pickup truck. That’s the worst that could happen. Let’s not have history repeat itself here.
Anyway, Lauren reverts back to weepy chick mode regarding her distinct lack of Lyle’s wang. In fact, the power of Lyle’s wang is so strong that women literally trip over themselves to get at it. I would compare it to Prince Adam raising his sword and by the power of Greyskull turning into He-Man. That, except with a wiener analogy. This is a power not often seen in nature, only by the likes of men like Hugh Hefner, Wilt Chamberlain, David Duchovny, Ron Jeremy, Lyle on PARTY DOWN SOUTH and ironically, all three of us MIDWEST TV GUYS.
Now for stupid human tricks: Daddy smoked a cigarette out of his ear. Really. And allegedly, “I can blow rings out my butt hole”. Then Walt promptly breaks a beer bottle over his head. Lauren’s talent is being kicked out of her room and forced to sleep with the dog. There was a big mustard fight somewhere in there too. I’m pretty sure they are not being invited back to the cabin.
The next day they wake up to a dry ice bomb alarm and promptly head to the bar to drink. Mattie hits the dance floor and every man in a five block radius stares at her ass which makes Lyle jealous. According to Murray, “Pop it, lock it, drop it, dislocate it, it would hurt me if I tried it so I’m gonna let her do it”. At this point, it is Lyle’s turn to run away and get weepy. I would tell him to grow a pair, but judging from events on the show I should know better. So sack up, bro… there’s still two other chicks in the house that have yet to be witness.
Yes, I am taking a slight break from my current GAME OF THRONES-athon to watch this show. Now back to see Ned Stark get a little taken off the top. Until next week.
If you haven’t been watching this train wreck, Party Down South airs on Country Music Televsion Thursdays at 9:00.