The second episode of my least-hotly anticipated show of ever was on tonight. Seriously, this is what I’m reduced to until the premiere of HANNIBAL and then shortly after, GAME OF THRONES. Until that time, my newest faux-fixation is PARTY DOWN SOUTH, CMT’S attempt at being more MTV than it rightfully should be. As I will most likely forever draw parallels between this show and its spiritual predecessor BUCKWILD, I can now confidently say that PARTY DOWN SOUTH is much, much better than BUCKWILD ever was, even though that choice is akin to choosing the hottest chick with the hair lip.
Back when BUCKWILD was on, there was a point in time where I replaced its title with my own (far superior) title of “Southern Fried Whores”. PARTY DOWN SOUTH doesn’t really give me a “Southern Fried Whores” vibe, so I was forced to come up with a better alternate title to this one too. In fact, I’m going to ask the avid MWTVG readership to help me decide. Please cast your votes… NOW.
Godspeed, ye weary travelers.
So now for this week’s episode. We pick up shortly after everybody wakes up the morning after their binge drinking stint and nobody can remember anybody’s name. Ryan proceeds to funnel 35 beers and drink a half bottle of Jaeger (not kidding) and pass out early in a hammock. The rest of the roommates go back out to the bar, drink at least several gallons of liquor, hook up, pass out, wake up, go to their first day of work, go home, pick up some skanky chicks, hook up, and pass back out.
Again, that comprised an entire hour of television.
What valuable life lessons did we learn this week? Drunk people laugh and fall and sometimes cry. And pray? And speak French. I also learned that Ryan is some sort of alcoholic superman with the sheer amount of booze he consumed. When you are able to accurately round your BAC off to the nearest whole number, you might have a bit of a problem.
Another interesting note, Lyle is some sort of ultra-powerful chick magnet. For being a marble mouth with a duck call, he sure ushered Lauren into the sack pretty quickly (not like that seems at all difficult) and is working is groove on Mattie. According to Lauren, “there’s a difference between bein’ lonely and bein’ a whore,” a difference she has clearly not yet figured out.
Finally, I want to propose a career change of sorts to Daddy, who clearly should be in the business of writing self help books on how to bag the ladies (With a working title of “The Way to a Woman’s Heart is Through Her Funnel”). This man clearly has a grasp on what it takes to sweet talk a woman. Let’s reference some quotable excerpts:
Daddy – “I don’t try to be smooth with the ladies. I just meet ’em, treat ’em like normal people, and if somebody wants to make a bad decision and come home with me, I’ll be that bad decision”
“When it comes to women, I describe them like fish. A 10 is a Marlin, a 9 is a two-legged tuna, a 5 is a snapper and a 2 is a mullet.”
“I’m a dude. I’d hook up with anybody. If she was ugly and there was a garbage bag around, I’d hit it!”
“Give it two weeks, this hot tub’s probably not even gonna work… it’s gonna be so clogged up with baby batter, this sonofabitch ain’t even gonna cut on”.
Available in fine bookstores everywhere.
Next week we have some muddin’ (watch out for the Ghost of Gandee Past), some drinkin’ and some fightin’. Also some cryin’, some hootin’, some hollerin’ and Maddie breakin’ up with her strangely possessive douche of a life-in boyfriend. I can’t wait.
Party Down South airs on CMT Thursdays at 9:00.