My first thought is that he emptied the bank account and headed someplace tropical. But I checked and we still have over $4 dollars so that’s not it.
If you have kidnapped him, we are willing to pay 1/2 of the $4 for his safe return. But as it’s been 3 days, and there is no ransom note, kidnapping looks unlikely.
Is he out looking for Bigfoot? That doesn’t make any sense as he hates being outdoors and really hates being anywhere there could be spiders.
We have recently gotten some promising leads related to snack food products. There are reports that rebel forces have taken over Ding Dong factories in South America and have forced the workers to continue making contraband snack cakes. We believe Midwest Mike could be the leader of the rebel forces.
Whatever the case, if you see him, do not try to bring him in yourself. He is armed with a massive superiority complex and is not afraid to point it out to you. If you see him, for the love of god, do not bring up 2 BROKE GIRLS. Rather, speak in slow soothing tones as he spooks easily.
Godspeed Midwest Mike for a safe return.