The things I do for you readers. I watched the premiere of MTV’s Buckwild tonight because I knew that our fans would be waiting with baited breath for the official MWTVG opinion of the show. And? Holy crap that just might be the worst piece of garbage I have ever seen on TV. I didn’t have high hopes for the show based on previews, but even then, the show went and surprised me and was even worse than I thought it would be. The premise of the show is that MTV is trying to re-capture all the glory of The Jersey Shore but instead of guidos, they are using rednecks.
I have never seen a single episode of The Jersey Shore, but I assume this show follows the same kind of a format. Get a bunch of young morons together, give them alcohol, and have the producers set up fake situations for the hicks to get in to and watch the hilarity ensue. If that is the formula, then MTV is knocking it out of the park with Buckwild.
Meet the cast:
Shain – “Gandee Candy”
Shain is the social one. Everyone in Sissonville, WV knows who he is (ok I was going to make a redneck joke here about how of course everyone in Sissonville, WV knows who is he because they are all related. I’m a professional though and a joke like that is just too easy and is beneath me and beneath you the reader so I won’t make that joke). Shain also loves mudding and his accent is so bad that they actually have to subtitle him. It’s as if MTV put an ad in the local newspaper (ok, I was going to do another redneck joke here about how they couldn’t have put an ad in the newspaper because no one in that town can read but again, we have standards here at MWTVG and as a professional, I will not violate those standards) and asked for the most stereotypical redneck they could find and this guy answered.
Anna – “The Ringleader”
Anna is a self-proclaimed wild girl. She got in to a fight with a neighbor on the first episode and got the girls evicted from the girl’s house which forced them to have to rent a new house right by the boy’s house. The whole thing was really just a terrible string of coincidences I’m sure. The “fight” with the next door neighbor wasn’t contrived at all. I’m sure that was totally natural and not set up by the producers in any way. And then the only house [not on wheels] available (ok that one is my bad. I went and made another redneck joke about how all of their houses are trailers. I apologize profusely for my behavior.) Later in the episode, there is much drama in the house because two of the cast members had intimate carnal knowledge of each other in her bed. In her world, this is a bit of a faux pas and decorum demands that she respond to the affront to her sensibilities. Again, it was all totally natural and not set up by the producers in any way.
Ashley – “The Tomboy”
Ashley is supposedly a tomboy. I don’t know if that is code for cross-eyed or not. I’m not up on the slang of today. She wasn’t in this first episode too much so I don’t have much else to say about her at this point. I’m sure we will get in to whacky situations where she (the producers) will try to show us why she has the tomboy nickname.
Shae – “The Spicy Southern Belle”
She actually called herself a southern belle. Now maybe I’m old-fashioned, but when I think of a southern belle, I think more of Scarlet O’Hara (this was poll tested in my house and 3 out of 3 people agreed that the first person you should think of when you hear the term southern belle is in fact Scarlett O’Hara). She (the producers) was the instigator of the party that caused all the drama that lead to their eviction from the house. True southern belle behavior for sure. It was almost like her debutante ball.
Joey – “Justin Beaver”
He said his nickname is Justin Beaver. He said that. He actually did. He said it without any sense of irony whatsoever. He said it like he was proud of it and that we should all be impressed. He went on to say that he doesn’t know anything about Justin Beiber but he does know about the beaver. Clever huh? He made a joke about vaginas and his apparent knowledge of them. I have a real problem with that statement and I was flabbergasted that he would make such a claim. If he thinks for one second that I believe that he has no knowledge of Justin Bieber then he is crazy. Am I to believe that he came up with that asinine hair cut on his own? I mean really.
Cara – “The Firecracker”
I have two friends that are alumni of West Virginia University. They will be proud to know (since I’m sure they didn’t watch this show because they are both adults with brains in their heads) that this girl Cara attends said university. The show starts with her being picked up at school to be brought out to the country to live with people she barely knows because the drama of Morgantown (which I’m told has all the drama of NYC or Chicago) has just become too much for her to deal with. This is a totally believable premise and I’m sure she really does know these people and they in fact invited her to live with them since they are all such close friends and all. In no way was this an aspiring actress (her Facebook page says she is a model/television personality. If she is, then I am too. Let’s all give ourselves fun titles. I am also a jet pilot and an architect.) Cara has the distinction of being one of the first people to have carnal knowledge of another cast member. Her parents must be very proud of her.
Tyler – “The Pretty Boy”
Tyler doesn’t much seem to fit in with everyone else in this group. I don’t know who was in charge of casting this show, but when they tried to create this group of friends that has known each other their whole lives, they should not include people who are probably actually models and who don’t seem to be as moronic as the rest. If I was playing one of these things is not like the other, I’d pick Tyler to be the one that is different. Anyway, he has the distinction of being part of the couple to break the sexual ice on the show with the firecracker, he is after all, the pretty boy, so it only stands to reason that the poor girls just wouldn’t be able to resist his charms. We know that the girls can resist his charms based on what MTV has said about him. This is directly from their website and their description about him “Tyler has a reputation for leaving broke hearts all over town.” Did you catch it? Did you see what they did there? These are rednecks we are dealing with of course so they would never use the word broken. They say things like broke when us citified Yankee folks would use such book learnin’ talk as broken. Kudos MTV. Way to play up the stereotype.
Katie – “The College Girl”
She is described as the college girl. How do we know she is a college girl? Well they don’t cover it in the show so I did some investigating. Based on MTV’s description of her as someone who is “afraid of anything potentially dangerous” I would guess that they call her a college girl because she might be smart. Smart people are afraid of things that are potentially dangerous. I will hedge my bet about her being smart as the fact that she has agreed to be cast on this trash heap of a show calls her intelligence in to question by saying that she might be smart. Well smart in the way that some goldfish are smarter than others but I guess that is just relative (take it easy rednecks, not relative like your hot sister relative. I apologize again for that. I was doing so good.).
Salwa – “Bengali in Boots”
You have got to be kidding me with this girl. Does MTV really expect us to believe that this girl is from the backwoods of West Virginia? She says that she may look exotic but that she is as country as anyone. Right. So her parents migrate from Bangladesh to the United States and they choose Sissonville, WV as their landing spot? I’m sure that is true. Everyone knows there is a huge Bangladeshi population in the back woods of West Virginia. I’m sure the producers at MTV thought they would cast this girl, give her this back story, and not expect any questions from their typical viewers. At 23, Salwa is also the elder statesman on Buckwild and she is also a college graduate. I am sure that the other people she went to college with are sweating bullets that at some point it will come out where she went to school. If it does come out, they know that the value of their diploma will tank harder than Enron stock (Boom. A not-so-timely stock market joke. That’s professionalism right there).
So that’s the cast. I’d like to say that I was surprised that the show was as bad as it turned out to be but really, I’m not. It’s MTV. They are the masters of driving our social IQ down to the bottom of the barrel.
I do have a question for MTV. They have done two shows now focused on two very safe stereotypes that anyone can make fun of without having to worry about protests and boycotts, guidos and rednecks. My question is, what will be the next stereotype show that they will run? Are they doing to do an Asian driving show? Maybe a Jewish show about lawyers or accountants? How about a show that focuses on Mexican food service employees? What will it be MTV? It’s time for you to start tackling some serious stereotypes.