Why does the rest of the world hate America? Let this be grade-A compelling evidence:
With MIDWEST MO officially sitting on a beach sipping mojitos while MIDWEST MIKE and MYSELF freeze to death in Chicago, we figured it would be best to give some time and effort towards MTV’s newest reality show even though this was intended to be MIDWEST MO’s territory. Come to think of it, I’m almost certain he scheduled it this way on purpose. In our staff meeting today, MIDWEST MIKE mentioned how terrible the series premiere of BUCKWILD was and recommended that I watch it for no other reason than to lose a little more faith in humanity. So I did. And I did.
The official second opinion? He’s totally right.
The name “BUCKWILD” might be mildly misleading, as I think a much more appropriate title would be “SOUTHERN FRIED WHORES”. And if the title was Southern Fried Whores, it might attract a little more of the 25-54 male crowd who would otherwise shun such bottom barrel dreck. There’s my marketing genius at work.
I will make a stunning admission to all of you MWTVG readers: There was a short amount of time that I actually regularly tuned into MTV to watch JERSEY SHORE. Before you all come knocking on my door with torches and pitchforks demanding my man card, let me give two reasons: a) it was a MWTVWife show and b) there’s something oddly cathartic about being witness to complete and utter trainwrecks. Similar reason as to why I like HOARDERS.
And love it or hate it, JERSEY SHORE actually developed compelling and unique characters among the cast members. Yes they were all abnormally stupid, but in that case it was more endearing than enraging. It became fun (in a way) to watch Ronnie and Sammi try to kill each other while The Situation managed his VD collection and Snooki peed on floors. I think what made the show lame is that they stayed in the same damn house every single season, so it got extremely repetitive extremely quickly.
Now enter BUCKWILD.
Think Jersey Shore only ultra-dumb which is really an amazing statement if you think about the implications of what was just said. It follows the same standard JERSEY SHORE/THE HILLS formula of stupid clip followed by stupid song followed by stupid clip, et cetera ad nauseaum. Every promo for the show calls it “crazy fun times”, but I suppose that would depend on your definition of “fun” as I would much rather be waterboarded by Hillary Clinton in red lingerie than ever watch one more frame of this show.
Episode 1: Let’s all git in that there redhead’s pants!
There’s a mumbling redneck with a misspelled name, third grade education and a white trash moustache, some Justin Bieber lookalike that is fond of sloppy seconds and the pretty boy (read: non-inbred) guy that ends up sealing the deal with the new redhead chick.
(important note: MIDWEST MIKE likes to cite his ‘journalistic integrity’ as the reason he tries so hard to shy away from insensitive redneck jokes. I, on the other hand, have zero integrity or shame.)
Shain (dumb mumbling mustachioed redneck) is a good example of somebody who has been so harshly neglected by natural selection that you would imagine he has made some sort of Dorian Gray-esque pact with Satan himself. I would hate to be in the room when that deal goes south.
And then there are about a half-dozen sex-crazed females that get thrown out of their house for pissing off the neighbors and move into a barn out in the middle of nowhere. And they all look approximately 13 years of age. And there’s a random naked Bangladeshi. Because MTV is all about diversity.
So… mark me down as never willingly watching this show again. As scary as it seems, the premiere of BUCKWILD attracted one million more viewers than the premiere of JERSEY SHORE. Myself and MIDWEST MIKE account for two of them, so who the heck are the other 999,998 saps?
Now I’m afraid that after watching it once my wife will adopt it as a JERSEY SHORE alternative… at that point I might just up and bury my TV in the back yard.