Midwest Mark’s Superbowl Special

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Freshly returned from a weekend getaway up north, I am now all prepped up and excited for SUPERBOWL XLVII.  To be honest I am hardly interested in the game itself, much more jazzed about the yearly batch of over-the-top ads brought by the likes of Budweiser, Doritos, Coca-Cola and XYZ Car Manufacturer.  There’s also bound to be some huge movie trailer premieres (IRON MAN 3!!!), and I will be sure to keep you updated with the latest and greatest during the game.

Seeing as ad time during the Superbowl sells for several million dollars per 30-seconds, I doubt The Usell Guy or Callous Clear is going to have any mind-blowing catapult into primetime… but there is little doubt that this year will be satisfying as ever.

Jump inside for break-by-break recaps of the whole game.

5:32 – Kickoff

5:41 – Ravens Touchdown (for those of you who care about such things)

5:42 – First Commerical Break

  • Budweiser Black Crown.  Any different from any other Budweiser?  It’s more distinctive.  Still tastes like beer, I would imagine.
  • M&M’s Red channels his inner Meatloaf.  Hilarious. “it hurts, but I kinda like it!”
  • Audi – driving an Audi gets the dork the prom queen.  So does 75-80k, but that’s besides the point.
  • Hyundai – Putting the team together.  Another funny ad featuring 10-year old powerlifters and another kid wrestling a bear.
  • Go Daddy feat. Bar Rafaelli making out with “Walter”.  This is the luckiest day of that dweeb’s entire life.
  • Doritos – Goat for sale.  142 bags of Nacho Cheese Doritos later, goat murders beard-man?  This ad goes to show that screaming goats are hilarious.

5:55 – Second Commercial Break

  • Pepsi Next at a house party with a unicorn, somebody duct-taped to the ceiling and a mexican wrestler.  Meh.
  • Amy Poehler shopping at Best Buy.  “Does it make you uncomfortable when I use the word “Dongle”?
  • More Budweiser Black Crown.  How about funny Budweiser ads, where are those??
  • Big Bang Theory dressing up like football players.  I don’t watch this show, so it was a little less tongue-in-cheek for me than others.
  • Preview for Oz: The Great and Powerful.  Sort of looks like the recent Alice in Wonderland… so this is a total crapshoot whether it’s good or not.
  • Coca Cola has found-footage on security cams set to “Give a Little Bit”
  • Oreos trashing a library and fighting in whispers.  Mildly funny.

6:06 – Third Commercial Break

  • Preview for FAST & FURIOUS 6.  Looks fairly similar to the previous 5 minus the addition of a giant airplane.
  • Toyota with KALEY CUOCO, medieval times, space travel and witches on broomsticks.  And a heavyset man jogging.

6:14 – Fourth Commercial Break

  • Doritos with crossdressing dudes and another bearded guy except in a wedding dress this time.
  • Calvin Klein underwear, and a whole bunch of muscle-y dude-parts I don’t really care to see.
  • Cars.com, buy a car and get a free wolf cub.

6:22 – Raven’s second touchdown.  Score is 14-3 at this point.

6:23 – Fifth Commercial Break

  • Bud Light at Mardi Gras, Stevie Wonder, voodoo dolls and “Superstition”
  • Go Daddy tries to sell more website domain names.  “More everything, sky waitress.”
  • Is CBS really America’s most watched network?  The Superbowl is the first show I’ve watched on CBS in at least years.
  • Preview for STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS.  Looks even better than the first, and that’s saying alot!
  • THE ROCK runs out of milk and saves the day en route to replenishing the supply.  I would imagine this to be an average day in the life of THE ROCK.
  • Fat guy on a little bike!  A Hyundai car passes a bunch of very strange things.

6:29 – the first time a 49’ers quarterback has ever been intercepted in a Superbowl.  Whoopsies.

6:36 – Sixth Commercial Break

  • Can we be any more racist towards Jamacians and/or Minnesotans?  Way to be, Volkswagen.

6:41 – Seventh Commercial Break

  • Coca Cola’s supposed racist commercial towards Middle Easterners.  Whoever complained about it is flat out stupid, or it would be racist towards cowboys, dancers and motorcyclists too.  Some folks need to get a life.  I guess it’s some sort of race to see who gets the Coke first.  I’m pulling for the chicks in the bus.  I’m pretty sure the bus can drive faster than the animals can run, and can also knock over the motorcycle without too much trouble.  Plus, their victory dance would be much more interesting than any of the other groups.  Time will tell…

6:46 – Eighth Commercial Break

  • Some old man breaks out of the home and raise hell to a Spanish version of Fun’s “Tonight”.  Taco Bell!  Very funny.
  • A guy in Sketchers sneakers tackles and hog-ties a leopard on the African plains.

6:49 – Third touchdown for The Ravens.  I don’t know much about football, but they are making the 49ers look like a bunch of clowns.  21-3

6:50 – Commercial Break #8.5

  • A schlockily-serious Lincoln commercial starring Lincoln himself.

6:59 – Going into haltime 21-6

7:00 – Ninth Commercial Break

  • A bunch of CBS ads
  • Promo for UNDER THE DOME.  This might be the first CBS show that I genuinely watch!
  • BMO Harris Bank with a non-funny mortgage ad.
  • Honda Accord test drive.  Obviously the Honda Accord wins whatever it wanted to win.
  • Another old people ad, but this time for JIMMY JOHNS.  I bet half of younger America was wondering what sort of old-timey contraption the oldtimer was calling from.  It’s called a rotary phone, folks.  They still do exist, mainly in retirement homes.

7:09 – Halftime show with Beyonce.  She leads with “Crazy in Love” and dances her way through “End of Time” and “Baby Boy” (which had the cool effect of Beyonce backup dancing for herself), then belted out “Bootylicious”, “Independent Women”, “All the Single Ladies” with the rest of DESTINY’S CHILD.  She closed with “Halo”.  In full disclosure, I very much dislike Beyonce, Destiny’s Child and all of their music, but the show wasn’t all that bad and seemed to play well to the stadium audience.  I don’t understand the huge emphasis on dancing over singing, forsaking the latter for a bunch of “yeas” and grunting into the microphone.  To each their own, I suppose.

7:23 – Tenth Commercial Break

  • Oprah and Jeep (and USO) have a nice tribute to our nation’s armed forces.
  • To MIDWEST MIKE’S extreme chagrin, there was a 2 BROKE GIRLS SPECTACULAR.  If by “Spectacular” they mean “not spectacular”, then they have a high level of accuracy.
  • Honda wins again in another Car & Driver test.  Honda wins in a Honda ad?  Oh my.

7:33 – Ravens return the kickoff 109 yards for a touchdown.  The score is 28-6 eleven seconds into the second half.

7:38 – Why are half the lights off?  Are the announcers out too?  Emergency commercial break!

  • IRON MAN 3 preview.
  • Century 21 saves a groom from the eternal damnation of living with his mother-in-law
  • BlackBerry tries to not go into complete bankruptcy and has an ad featuring a fuel tanker exploding into thousands of rubber ducks.  I don’t think that’s gonna work, guys.
  • The ETrade baby!  Funny ad, especially the picture of him running with the bulls.
  • Five.  Five Dollar.  Five Dollar Footlongs.  With sports stars.
  • Bud Light has a couple of dudes taking a recliner chair to the voodoo priest Stevie Wonder from earlier.

7:49 – Power still out in the stadium.  Everybody’s running around wondering what the hell to do as tens of millions of Americans look on.  So let’s blab about football and zoom in on a bunch of players stretching out their hammies!  Nothing else to say?  Out of ideas?  More ads please!

Ok, so no more commercials.  Blah blah blah football for 31+ minutes at this point.  For a guy watching this just for the ads, this is getting exceedingly boring.  Wait a minute, more live plays means that there will be more commercials soon!  Interest rekindled.

8:15 – Twelfth Commercial Break

  • The stupid Febru-any ad again.  Screw you, Subway.  And your hard-to-pronounce imaginary months
  • Guys carrying a recliner to Stevie Wonder again.  Something about a lucky chair.

8:22 – Thirteenth Commercial Break

  • A lifeguard punches a shark to save the hot chick from drowning.  Then an astronaut  walks out and saves the day.  Something about Axe products.
  • Mio Fit with Tracy Morgan and his rocket shoes.

8:25 – first touchdown for the 49ers.  I guess all they needed was 30 minutes of R&R…  Score is 28-13

8:26 – Fourteenth Commercial Break

  • Kia and futuristic cyborg chicks  giving atomic wedgies.
  • Man wakes up in fuzzy handcuffs on the floor of a strange woman’s room.  He doesn’t want to wake her up, but can’t possibly leave without his favorite Gildan Tshirt.  Where does somebody even buy a Gildan tshirt?
  • Gangnam style and pistachios is a match made in the intersection of the third and fourth circles of hell.  Psy is an idiot and I am over that song months ago.  I might never eat another pistachio ever again in my life.  Thanks for nothing, Korea.

8:33 – Another 49ers touchdown.  There are a lot of angry Ravens fans right now.  Perhaps Jim Harbaugh himself set off a mini EMP in the 49ers locker room?  Score is 28-20

8:35 – Fifteenth Commercial Break

  • Lincoln towncar and something about Jimmy Fallon.  Jimmy Fallon = automatic fail.  He’s an assclown.
  • Speedstick and a guy folding somebody else’s clothes in a laundromat.  “I’d fold your panties any day.”  Remember that for your next pickup line, gentlemen.
  • Beck’s Sapphire beer.  A black goldfish sings “No Diggity”.
  • The Clydesdales!  Set to Stevie Nicks’ Landslide!  Semi-touching ad reuniting the horse with his trainer after a parade in Chicago.

8:42 – Ravens fumble with a turnover to the 49ers.  Did I say something about the 49ers looking incompetent earlier?  Nevermind that.  They did miss the field goal though which they made on the replay after somebody blasted the kicker.  Score is 28-23.

8:52 – Sixteenth Commercial Break

  • Deion Sanders wears a fro and a moustache to try out for the 2013 NFL draft.
  • Redd’s Apple Ale?!?  What the heck is that?  People getting hit with apples.  Keep fruit out of beer for christsakes.

8:58 – Ravens kick a field goal.  31-23

8:58:30 – Seventeenth Commercial Break

  • Paul Harvey talking about god making farmers.  How this relates to Dodge Ram trucks, I really don’t know.  Way to waste millions of dollars, Dodge.

9:06 – Kaepernick runs it in for the 49ers touchdown.  2-point conversion is no good, score is 31-29.

9:07 – Eighteenth Commercial Break

  • “Dad, where do babies come from?”  The planet babyland, obviously.  And they penetrate the atmosphere nine months later.  Probably the best commercial of the night so far.  Good job, Kia.

9:08 – MIDWEST MARK’S break to put his MIDWEST SON to sleep.

9:14 – Nineteenth Commercial Break

  • Tide’s Montana Miracle Stain?  Dude, you got Montana on your jersey.  Would have been funnier if I was a football fan but pretty funny nonetheless.  Montana-land!!

9:21 – Twentieth Commercial Break

  • Mercedes Benz fantasies of a loser dancing with Usher and picking up chicks starring Willem Defoe as the devil.  All set to The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”.  A pretty good commercial!

9:29 – Twenty-first Commercial Break

  • “The Next Big Thing” with Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan sniping back and forth about their careers in a pitch-meeting for Samsung Galaxy phones.  “People love commercials with those talking babies… so we’ll just use Seth in a diaper!”  Lebron James guest-stars.

9:36 – And the 49ers just threw it away.  Unless something super-stupid happens in the next 1:46 of play time, The Ravens just won the Superbowl.

9:46 – The Baltimore Ravens win Superbowl XLVII.  Nothing like live-broadcasted profanity slipping by the censors.  Times like these make me wonder what happens to the 49ers’ colored confetti.  And what would happen if they pressed the wrong button to let the incorrect colors fly?  At least we ship all those loser t-shirts to clothe third world countries. I bet those folks are totally confused about sports history in America.

9:50 – Final Commercial Break

  • Allstate’s Mayhem.  “I’m your lucky team flag”
  • Joe Swanson (PATRICK WARBURTON) delivers Napa Know-how.
  • And the Coke goes to the dancer chicks!!!  Damn, I’m psychic or something.  Was that totally anticlimactic or was it just me?