Editors Note: For a recap of King of the Nerds week by week follow any of the links below:
With all the hullabaloo surrounding The Bachelor and Buckwild, I feel that this ridiculously stupid and probably predictable show has not gotten its proper mocking. Fear not, KING OF THE NERDS will not escape our watchful hyper-vigilant wrath (I don’t want to go too hard on TBS as they are bringing back COUGAR TOWN).
From the TBS website:
Hosted by Robert Carradine and Curtis Armstrong, King of the Nerds is the ultimate nerd-off. The series will follow eleven fierce competitors from across the nerd spectrum as they set out to win $100,000 and be crowned the greatest nerd of them all.
King of the Nerds will take the glory of geekdom to a whole new level as the eleven competitors live together in “Nerdvana.” Each week, they must face challenges that will test their intellect, ingenuity, skills and pop culture prowess. In each episode, the nerds will first compete as teams and then as individuals, facing challenges that range from live gaming to a dance-off to life-sized chess. One competitor will be eliminated each week until one nerd stands alone as the ultimate champion off all things nerdy.
So who’s the early favorite to win this (as if I care)? Well, it’s hard to tell so I developed a rating system to handicap the show. It’s called the Not An Actual Geek or NAAG index. Since this is a supposedly about nerds, it seems to reason that if the person isn’t an actual nerd, they shouldn’t win. So on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 still living with your mother and 1 being a poser, I give you the contestants.
On pure appearance, this girl is a nerd. Her statement that she likes to use onomatopoeia instead of adjectives is excellent. She majored in Math and Science which is strong.
Negatives – she is married so somebody out there wants to see her naked. Also, she is a girl which limits the depths she can actually reach as a nerd.
NAAG Index: 6.5
Strong contender and the one I am for some reason rooting. Brandon is an aspiring Neuroscientist. He excels at wordplay humor, and has named all of his computers after different infectious diseases. See what I mean.
Negatives, if there is any physical challenge component, he might hurt himself.
NAAG Index: 8
See, the NAAG Index was designed to expose this girl. A nerd doesn’t want to be a nerd but has no choice. This girl is just pretending to be a nerd.
In her interview she says she likes to use her sexuality to get what she wants. A nerd tries to get what they want in spite of their sexuality. I’m not buying whatever this girl is selling.
NAAG Index: 4
Another excellent contender whose hobbies includes fire spinning. He also lists his strengths as boundless positivity.
A negative is that he dyed his hair pink. Nerds generally shy away from any type of personal hygiene product.
NAAG Index: 8.5
He’s an important character. There is a big difference between nerd and annoying. This guy is just annoying.
A deep V t-shirt and goatee? See that’s just annoying. Also, he’s from Hollywood, so…
NAAG Index: 4
The producers probably saw her name and thought, “This girl has potential.”
But she works for NASA in a department similar to MIB. I kid you not, who knew that was real and how cool is that.
How cool is that is never said in reference to a true nerd.
NAAG Index: 2
Holy crap, this guy has a strong shot at winning. His hobby – he collects pre 18th century erotica. He studies fake brains. At one point he was sued for industrial espionage.
Yes ladies, this guy is single.
His only obvious negative is he has blond hair. See that makes you a ditz not a nerd.
NAAG Index: 9
Another guy that’s in it to win it (man I hate that expression). So turns out Ivan likes making pen and paper dragons for role playing games.
A negative is that he seems to have some size and might not have been picked on enough to be a true nerd, it’s hard to tell.
NAAG Index: 7.5
Another important contestant to show us the difference between a nerd and a person that will someday be led out of her house while the authorities remove 68 cats from her house.
On the plus side, she does have kind of a Tina Fey thing going on, but since Tina is so popular now, turns out this is a nerd negative.
NAAG Index: 3
Nerd alert! Good god he is the biggest nerd on the show.
According to his bio, he likes to forage for wild fruit. What he doesn’t eat he puts in his freezer for later eating (seriously, somebody get a search warrant on this guy’s freezer, his video is probable cause).
He will either win, or start sending out mysterious brown packages to the producers.
NAAG Index: 9.5
I saved her for last because she is just not a nerd. See the two things on her chest sticking out? Ya those are going to scare the bejesus out of the real nerds.
Again, you cannot be remotely attractive and call yourself a nerd. She is just pretending to be a nerd.
NAAG Index: 1.5