Buckwild – Sexts and Hyperglow

MTV-s-Buckwild-jpgAs MIDWEST MIKE makes certain sacrifices for the betterment of the blog, I feel like it would be ultra-douchey of me to not add at least one or two awful shows into my personal rotation to appease our rabid fans who now number solidly in the twenties.  I feel like ARROW is about 3/4 of the way crappy and I riff on it plenty.  But I’ve never really watched a show that I thoroughly hated, so this is virgin territory for me.

This week on SOUTHERN FRIED WHORES (aka BUCKWILD), a bunch of rednecks do stuff.  The girls cluck at each other the whole time like angry hens while the guys partake in constant one-upmanship with feats of death-defying stupidity.  I have a feeling that this is going to be the norm moving forward.

The title sort of gives it all away:  Sexts, Lies & Chicken Wings and Paint the Town Hyperglow.  BUCKWILD could trim about 57 minutes off of its runtime and consist only of the resident poet laureate Shain slowly reading the title off of 3×5 cards.  Nobody would miss a thing.  Venture inside for more… Let me go out on a limb and say that Sissonville, WV is the sweaty armpit of America.  I would like to showcase two of Sissonville’s finest and how they introduce themselves to the whole world:

“I’m Shain Gandee.  You know why they call me Gandee Candy?  ‘Cause it’s trick or treat all year round.”

“They call me Justin Beaver.  I don’t know about the Justin, but you know I know about the beaver.”

Can we get a timely and relevant clip from our friends on ADVENTURE TIME?  Of course we can.

So what happened on this episode?  The guys build a “West Virginia Waterslide” with a big tarp, soap, water and a couple of inflatable baby pools.  Then they turns shooting the stop sign and touching the bug zapper.  And they even jump off of a tall rusty bridge into a nuclear power plant’s retention pond!

Speaking of which, I think I figured out why these people are such idiots.  Their ‘swimmin hole’ is just slightly down river from the town’s nuclear power plant.  Remember what this did on THE SIMPSONS?  3-eyed fish.  What it does in the real world?  Contributes to the dumbing down of already halfway inept rednecks.

Cara comes back from last episode’s post coital hissy fit and takes the group to a “hyperglow party.”  What is a hyperglow party you ask?  Several hundred drunk hicks plus blacklights.  Oh look, and Salwa gets naked again.  And they almost get into a fight!  And they pass out on the couches in a one bedroom apartment!

While most of the group is out having fun, Shae and her boyfriend Jesse J go out on a “special date” to the bowling alley as she tries to figure out if he’s cheating on her or not.  I would say that trying to bang Salwa in the middle of the night qualifies him as a grade-A douche.

Can MTV script this show any more than it already is?  It sounds like these folks are reading off of cue cards half the time.

So there we go.  BUCKWILD.  Next week it looks like they go shootin’ and drinkin’.  Can’t wait…