Buckwild – Season Finale

urlDust off yer cowboy boots and quit lookin’ at the sheep like that, it’s the season finale of BUCKWILD!

Or perhaps it’s the ‘Season Finally’ as in the season is *finally* over.  It has been a grueling six weeks of double episodes, that one might dare to call twelve episodes although I will beg to differ seeing as even one episode is too many episodes for a show like this to air.

And this is the most popular cable show in America on Thursday nights.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Somewhere there are two million-nine hundred and ninety nine thousand-nine hundred and ninety nine people that are actually entertained by this.  Because I can vouch for myself only that I watched it only for the betterment of MWTVG.  The Shain Gandee posters in my room are purely coincidental.

Might I re-reference my first BUCKWILD post when I say that this is why the rest of the world hates America.  I doubt that MTV: Al-Jazeera’s pilot episode of BURQAWILD would quite match the viewership of it’s American counterpart.  While the cleavage ratios would clearly be tuned down, they would totally flash some ankle every so often.

For the big finale, the episodes are titled “Fast & The Curious, and Ramped Up”

Full details inside!

“You know why they call me Gandee Candy?  ‘Cause I just learned what rhyming words were.”

Katie tells her mother over mani/pedis that Tyler is really cute but really stupid.  I would say the same about her, but unfortunately she doesn’t filter into either category.  When it comes to stupid, both of them certainly dove into the shallow end of the gene pool.  Katie later invites Tyler to dinner over at her house so he can meet her mother.  When Tyler leaves the room, Katie’s mom leans over to her and says “he’s wonderful.”  The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?

While Katie tells Tyler that she doesn’t just want to be another number to him, Shae and Joey try to figure out what they are as a couple.  I think they decided they were dating, but with all the giggling and mumbling, I couldn’t quite make it out.

Shae got into nursing school.  While she might genuinely be the most intelligent of the bunch, that would be akin to being honored as the valedictorian of your special ed class.  That is exactly the kind of girl I want drawing my bodily fluids.  Let me do the town of Sissonville a favor right now by putting an APB out on this… if Shae from BUCKWILD greets you in the doctor’s office, you might as well just self-amputate whatever is bugging you.

Shae is on a mission to drive Joey’s truck.  If you thought I would take the cheap way out and make some crack about women drivers, you are absolutely correct.  Because they are horrendous.  Ironically, Shae wasn’t all that bad, but you could see a small piece of Joey’s man card vaporize as she swung donuts in the mudhole.

At the Friday Night Bonfire, the guys chow down on raw deer meat and drink strange liquid out of mason jars.  Tyler and Ashley leave the group go to warm up in his truck and end up banging in the front seat.  Great job you douche.  Yea, and you too Tyler!  Which is one or two heartbeats away from being physically revolting.  I would rather see poor Tyler make out with the Travelocity gnome than get ten feet from Ashley.  “Warm me up, stupid!”  That’s a great reverse-pickup line.  Just remember, Tyler… do not anger the troll.  And do not look straight in it’s eyes.  If I was in Tyler’s shoes, the situation would have been handled quite differently:


In reference to Tyler, Ashley says “He might be a man-whore and like dumb as rocks, but there’s just something about him that gets me going.”  If I remember correctly, the only cast member Tyler hasn’t slept with at this point is Shain’s dad.

With seemingly unlimited supply of pickup trucks, Shain and Tyler go muddin’ with the ladies.  Then they all take things with wheels and ride down the hill!  Wild and crazy!  What happens when you combine a backhoe, a hill, plastic sheets, soap and water?  Some sort of circular water slide.  In fact, most of their wild antics somehow involve a combination of plastic sheets, hills, soap and water.  Wild and crazy indeed.

urlAnd now, Deep Thoughts with Shain Gandee:

“I know Cara can be a handful, but daaaamn I want a handful of that”

“It’s been a long time comin, but I think Cara finally got herself a sweet tooth.  There’s only one thing for that, and that’s the Gandee Candy.”


And then there’s the standard blurry nudity during the “Sissonville Streak” starring naked Ashley.  Thanks for that.

Anna finally breaks the news to Katie that Ashley hooked up with Tyler at the bonfire.  Somehow Katie is not upset with Ashley at all like passing dudes around is some sort of jolly old past time.  Tyler completely denies it going with the idea that if you deny something enough times it never really happened.  Which is a pretty good play considering the circumstances.

The girls all refuse to go to the lake party if Tyler goes.  Not like they haven’t all been there/done that with each other before.  Tyler apologizes which magically makes everything better and may/may not have led to some sort of sloppy Tyler/Katie/Ashley lovefest later in the night.

At the lake, their friend named Bluefoot made a waterslide with tarps, a hill and a ramp into the lake (see what I told you?!?).  I don’t suppose that piranha are native to Sissonville?  Because Shain busted his nose while catapulting into the lake, and I could have used a little entertainment in my evening.

Shain then makes his last-minute desperate move to hook up with Cara by lighting a big C+S sign on fire with a flare.  Which, according to Cara, is the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for her.  Up yours, Sevgi.

Hey, where the hell did Salwa come from?  Why does she randomly appear and disappear in each episode??  Much like her clothing as she jumps around the fire completely naked.  And Bluefoot also jumps over the fire naked.  This might have been a poor miscalculation because there is clear inherent danger in dudes jumping over bonfires naked.  Even when your name is Bluefoot.

Bonus episode!!! “Bucking Unseen Moments” which was extra bucking dumb as everybody runs around screaming like children with ADHD stabbing each other with toothpicks and swinging on swingsets.  Make that “wild and crazy” swingsets.  Oh and look at that, Salwa’s dancing on a table.  And now she’s drinking deer meat juice out of a mason jar!  There she is interviewing people about love.  And there’s Salwa’s dad!  He must be awfully proud of his randomly appearing and frequently naked daughter.

Shain_buck_wildAnd now a special presentation of Storytime with Shain Gandee:

“The craziest place I’ve ever had sex was this one time I took this girl muddin’ and I had my truck in 2WD and I got it stuck up in 2WD and I was like aww we’re stuck now so now we gotta wait for somebody to come pick us up.  She’s like well what are we gonna do?  I said well let’s get it on.  And then I got done havin sex with her, I locked it in 4WD, pulled right out of the mudhole and took her back home and that’s the last I seen of her.”

And that has been a special presentation of Storytime with Shain Gandee.

I’ve had a ‘crazy-fun time’ covering BUCKWILD this season.  And by ‘crazy-fun’, I mean that I have made fun of this show like crazy.  Now that season 1 is behind us, I can’t wait to see what sort of scripted rehash is waiting for us in season 2.  I’m assuming the plotline will somehow involve liquor, things with wheels, intercourse, Salwa’s cleavage, mud, tarps and hills… possibly all at the same time!

TTFN, BUCKWILD.  See you again soon.