Now that I’m regularly covering BUCKWILD, I often wonder what I do on days that do not begin with “Th”. The answer? Recover some semblance of my IQ. Not saying that the BUCKWILD kids are stupid, but the BUCKWILD kids are really really stupid.
So one might ask “Hey MIDWEST MARK… why do you watch a show you hate so much?” And to that I say: It gives me something to do while my wife watches GREY’S ANATOMY. And I love to make fun of people less fortunate than myself. And it brings a ton of website traffic. Seriously America? BUCKWILD? Rumor is that there’s pictures and videos of women not wearing clothes hidden somewhere on the internet, why must you settle for BUCKWILD recaps?
(Sorry, thinking out loud again. Come back and visit MWTVG often!)
Check out a whole lot more BUCKWILD inside!
The name of the first half-episode is “Pitching a tent”. Does that not happen on every single episode of this weird ultra-softcore-porn? The twist here? They’re pitching a tent inside of a pitched tent. Did I just blow your mind, or what?
Special note to Shain Gandee: MTV finding the need to add subtitles to your country mumbles does not make you that much more awesome. What female in their right mind would find that attractive? I can’t wait for the first girl on this show to buy two tickets to the Gandee Express only to run screaming from the room shortly thereafter. Whether these are squeals of laughter or screams of axe-murder-induced pain is left to interpretation.
Tyler wants to hook up with Katie after a wild-and-crazy game of truth and dare! OMG, and Cara’s jealous!
Three of the often-intermingling couples go camping to the banks of the Gauley River. I want to catch them on a technicality here, because I’m pretty sure every day is camping when you live in shacks on something called a “Holler”. But maybe a change of scenery is not entirely a bad thing.
While camping, Salwa, Ashley and Anna have a houseparty where they play a wild-and-crazy game of flippy cup and take turns jumping over a bonfire. One of the guys takes a chance in kissing Anna while I half expected her to turn back into a bullfrog. Disappointed yet again.
Cara: I’m building myself a gearshift in the sand to hold onto (whatever the hell that means…)
Shain: … I got you a gearshift.
Cara: Oh, I’m sure you do
Shain: I’m gonna have to check you for ticks here in a while
Cara: We’re not even in the woods, boy
Shain: Ticks can be anywhere…
And that concludes another episode of How to Make Women’s Pants Fall Off starring: Shain Gandee.
Katie spills the deets to Anna about what happened with Tyler during the camping trip and she tells Anna that she likes Tyler and all, but that he’s really stupid. The girl that eats a hot pepper off the shelf of the store for a bet calls somebody else stupid. Pretty much any of them calling anybody else in the world stupid is like John Merrick calling Shelly Duvall funny lookin’.
Rife with grief over Tyler pitching a tent within a tent within Katie, Cara invites her ex-girlfriend Sevgi to visit her and she has a big talk about it with the other roommates in a supermarket in front of a giant rack of bananas. Is there supposed to be some kind of subconscious message going on here? Spoiler alert: As far as lesbians are concerned, this is strictly bottom-of-the-barrel material. During the impending house party, Shain looks like he’s having an aneurysm the whole time watchin’ two chicks mack on each other.
Shain’s mom pushes him to think about a five year plan for himself. Is he going to settle down and have a family? Does he have any future aspirations? Launch a career? “nah, I really don’t think. Hurts mah brain.” Bright future indeed. Taking his mother’s speech to heart, Shain heads down to the Sissonville Swap Meet to sell some of his grandmother’s “Gandee Candy” or as his marketing genius describes “The best balls in town”.
Joey and Shain come up with a ‘foolproof’ plan for Shain to finally nail Cara. They take the girls in the middle of the woods to a graveyard and try to scare them with clown masks. If that wasn’t going to work enough already, Shain’s mom runs out of the woods and scares them all.
“Daaamn, I ain’t never been cock blocked by my mom before”
Sure you haven’t.
Next week is the season finale already! But fear not all you party animals, BUCKWILD somehow got such good ratings that it is almost guaranteed to be renewed. You can count on MIDWEST MARK to keep you updated.