The Bachelor 2017 – Episode 2 Recap
Well everyone, I’m back. Back watching The Bachelor. I know that some of you out there have missed my recaps from a regular dude’s perspective and it pained me to know that writing talent such as mine was being withheld from all of you so, I have returned. When you have an unholy talent like this, you don’t deprive the world of it. That would be a crime. But of course, I digress. Let’s get to this absolute disaster of a show.
I haven’t watched this show in a couple of seasons because I was in intensive therapy for a mental breakdown caused by watching this show in the first place. My therapists recommended that I not watch this show as it was likely going to trigger some bad memories and put me back in the dark place. But for you, the reader, I am willing to risk the horrible, terrible dangers associated with watching this show.
Let me say this about The Bachelor and how I feel it’s changed in the few seasons since my last torture. Good gravy the women are just straight up whores. Now I am sure that they are all very nice girls and all lawyers or scientists or something super smart like that in their real lives and TV is making them act differently but wow. When a camera gets turned on, the hookers come out to play. Oops. Pardon me. They aren’t hookers until they are dead. Until then, they are call girls.
Can we talk about Corinne? First, she is the poster child for vocal fry hell. Her speaking pattern screams idiot Kardashian type. In fairness though, just about all the women on this show talk the same way, Corinne is just the worst of it. And she says that she is a business owner. No Corinne. Your dad is a business owner. You work for your dad. He owns it. I bet she runs around talking about being a business owner all the time trying to impress the other girls on the dinner shift at Hooters. Even that though is not the most annoying thing about Corinne.
What is the most annoying about Corinne is that she seems to think that she can end the show in two weeks. Getting naked during the photo shoot and letting Nick handle her boobs was definitely a classy move but the interrupting of every single other woman who wanted time with Nick was over the top annoying. We get it. You are a strong woman who isn’t going to be denied. We get it. You are here to win. Blah blah blah.
Corinne is not here to win. That much is obvious. The true goal now, as I said many years ago and I will claim to be the first to talk about it, is not to be picked as the bride. No. That is losing. The true goal is to get on to Bachelor in Paradise or get your own season on The Bachelorette. That is what winning truly looks like. You aren’t going to cast on either of those shows being a nice normal person. You have to be memorable and/or crazy to continue on with your career in this genre.
Corinne is obviously aware of the casting game and is working hard to get herself on Bachelor in Paradise. She’s going too crazy to get her own season of The Bachelorette so I think she’s going for the paradise version of this crap show.
Her antics have paid off at least for this week. Nick gave her the early rose for her nakedness and apparent willingness to do whatever Nick might want. Given the information that is out there about Nick, it’s not a surprise that he likes the more hooker-ish, I mean call girl-ish, ones.
Oh you funny producers of The Bachelor. The Museum of Broken Relationships? How clever. The producers teased a slap of Nick in one of the promos for the show with the intended result being a bunch of breathless fans wondering just what that cad could have done to raise the ire of one of the delicate flowers in such a way. Here’s the promo:
Gasp! What could have happened? Well, it was just a tease. You see, at the Museum of Broken Relationships, the group got to practice the art of breaking up. Each of the women on the date got to “break up” with Nick. One of the women took the opportunity to slap the ever loving crap out of him. It was not a staged slap from what I could tell because neither of those two people are good enough actors to have pulled that off. Some might call what that hooker, I mean call girl, did assault, but at ABC, it’s entertainment.
Can I take a break here to mention that this friggen show is two f-ing hours long?
After the date there was more one on one time and there was some drama for Nick to get to the bottom of. Nick has already banged one of the contestants (prior to the show) and Nick isn’t sure if that girl is running her mouth or not. It seems that Nick is worried about ruining his reputation with the other women but I don’t know how that could be possible given what Nick’s reputation is. This is after all his forth appearance on one of these shows so Nick is pretty well known, at least in the Bachelor world.
Uh oh! No rose ceremony! Liz got toasted! Nick says that he just couldn’t keep her around because of how she acted after they hooked up previously but really, Nick has already banged her. Why would he keep that around when there is all kinds of strange to be had on this season? Good play Nick. Bang and move on bro.
Well that is the end of The Bachelor 2017 – episode 2. I am mentally exhausted from this experience. I do not know how I’m going to make it through this entire season.
God help me. God help us all.