Back when I had a job, Mondays used to come around fast because I hated going to work. You would think that since I don’t have a job that all days would just run together and time drags on slowly while I slowly eat myself to death. That used to be true. Then I started watching The Bachelor again and it was like I had a job. Monday’s come even faster now because it feels like all I do is watch this show. Well it’s Monday again and time to discuss The Bachelor 2014 week 6. After the set up I gave, I’m sure you are dying to read the rest. That is professional writing people. Leave them wanting more.
ABC has taken Juan Pa and the ladies to New Zealand for week 6. Remember last week was in Vietnam and the week before was in Korea. If I were living in New Zealand, I’d be worried. The Bachelor has been touring previous war zones and since we haven’t fought a war in New Zealand, I’d be worried that maybe ABC knows something the rest of us don’t. I don’t really understand the world tour they are doing either with this show. I get that it’s 99.9% women watching this show and they love the idea of super-romantic dates, but are there no suitable sites anywhere in the U.S. for a date? Have we dropped so far as a country that to have an appropriate romantic date you have to take your lady to a foreign country? Not only are we losing our edge in math and science, but we appear to also be losing our edge in romantic date locations. I weep for our country.
First Solo Date
Assistant District Attorney Andi has not had a solo date with Juan Pa yet this season. She finally gets her wish and gets the first solo date of this marathon of a night. Andi is one of the women I picked as a favorite to win the show. Well win in that I think she could be the one that ends up with Juan Pa at the end. That’s not really winning though since the true goal of all the women on the show is to last long enough to have a good shot at being the next Bachelorette. Andi I think has a chance to be the one Juan Pa picks but I don’t see her as the next Bachelorette. If she wants any notoriety at all, she better hope she gets picked at the end so ABC can cover their “wedding” too. She certainly isn’t going to be able to go back to her job as a prosecutor after this because no adult is going to take her seriously.
Her big date with Juan Pa is a tour through volcanic water falls. The funny thing about this date is that Andi is acting all nervous about where they are. Look lady. I’d have an easier time believing you were in an area that is difficult hiking if there wasn’t an ABC camera crew, sound crew, and lighting crew right there with you as well. Whatever you are doing, they are doing too in addtion to schlepping equipment through that terrain too. It can’t be all that difficult. Question for Andi at this point. What are you doing in a 1 piece suit? I mean really. Do you know where you are? This is the big leagues honey. You aren’t at Disney with your sister and her family. You are either here to win this game or you are going home. Wearing a 1 piece suit is not showing up to win. I have picked you as a favorite but moves like that make me question your commitment to Juan Pa.
Juan Pa left no time at all before he had Andi draped all over him either. There was a question on Twitter after last week’s episode asking if Juan Pa is the most promiscuous Bachelor ever. While I think we can argue over what our definitions of promiscuous are, because I don’t think kissing is a huge deal, what is not debatable is he’s been in more mouths than a dentist in the last 5 weeks. He wastes no time at all with Andi and despite not ever having any one on one time with him, Andi of course says she can see herself with him forever. Blech.
At the end of the date, Juan Pa gives Andi a rose keeping the perfect streak alive. If you go on a solo date with Juan Pa, you are going to be safe at the rose ceremony this week.
The Group Date
The group date was really pretty uneventful other than the surprise that Juan Pa is taking the women to the Zorbs of death attraction. You probably don’t spend the kind of time on the internet that I do so you might not have seen this video of what happens when Zorbing goes wrong. Leave it to those wacky Russians to put a zorb run right next to a cliff. Anyway, the ladies zorb without incident and we see what women who are here to win the game do. They wear bikinis when it’s time to wear a swim suit. Andi, are you taking notes?
One on One Time
Boy he doesn’t waste time jumping on to the faces of the women does he? Brian Griffin, whoops, I mean Cassandra even says he doesn’t waste time either. Was anyone surprised that he dumped Cassandra? The producers edited the show in such a way that you knew something was going to happen to her. She was running around talking about how awesome a rose would be for a perfect 22nd birthday present. Fans of reality TV will know that hubris is always a sign of bad things to come. Editors like nothing more than to edit a person to build them up just to smash them down later. If you are keeping track of the time at this point in the show, we still have an entire fricken hour left of this show. Please someone kill me.
Second Solo Date
Clare gets another shot at solo time with Juan Pa and she is still talking about stuff from Vietnam. I know actual Vietnam veterans who were able to get over their time there faster than she was. Clare is now holding the title of the craziest woman on The Bachelor. She barely has any relationship with Juan Pa yet she wants to discuss it at every turn. She wants an explanation for every comment or look that goes on and we are only weeks in to them even knowing each other. Juan Pa. Dude. You have got to run from this chick. This is what she is like early on in your relationship. What will she be like in a year? 5 years? Now I know based on the very low success rate (only 1 couple is married from The Bachelor and that just happened) of this show that a long relationship is unlikely, still, you have to think about it. She’s hot yes and has a bangin body but there is only so much you can put up with. That is called the PITA (pain in the ass) rating. Make hotness the numerator (the number on top) and pain in the assness the denominator (the number on bottom) and you can calculate the PITA rating of any woman. The hotter a woman is, the more she is allowed to be a pain in the ass but there is still a point where she will become a bigger pain in the ass than she is worth. Clare has reached that point. Juan Pa doesn’t see it though.
Juan Pa gives Clare a rose at the end of the second solo date keeping the perfect streak alive. Andi and Clare are safe at the upcoming rose ceremony and with Cassandra already being eliminated, it leaves 5 women left with a chance to be sent home.
The Cocktail Party
ABC is obviously not going to listen to my complaints about the length of this show. They run 20 hours of Bachelor programming per week when really they can run about an hour and we would know all we need to know. Two solo dates, a group date, one on one time, and then the cocktail party in addition to the rose ceremony all in one episode is just too much. I refuse to believe that even actual fans of the show can stay engaged for two hours. Do they really care about the one on one time or the cocktail party? It’s the same every week. Every conversation is the same. It’s like they are reading from scripts.
Let me cover all of the conversations for you in a brief summary. Blah blah blah I can see myself with you. Blah blah blah, I’m so vulnerable because I had something bad happen to me as a child. Blah blah blah kiss kiss kiss. I think that pretty much covers it doesn’t it?
Ladies. Did you know that Juan Pa is a dad? I bet you didn’t know. I’m guessing you didn’t know because ABC feels the need to remind us of this constantly. What did he say during one on one time with Renee? “Nothing turns me on more than a woman talking about her child.” Um. What do I say to that? First, I don’t believe that for a second. There must be focus group testing that ABC has though that told them to make him keep saying that stuff though but I’ll tell you, as a sane person watching this show, that line was creepy as hell to me. He has 6 pack abs though right ladies? He can be creepy with a body like that.
The Rose Ceremony
Eliminated tonight on Bachelor 2014 week 6
Cassandra got eliminated early in the show so no surprise there but Oh. My. God y’all! He got rid of Kat! I didn’t see that one coming at all. This is the biggest shock yet of the series. He kept Chelsea even though it seems like there is no connection at all. I am speechless y’all.
The Bachelor heads to Miami next week and it’s about time we bring this good old American show back to American soil. There are only 6 women left. Who do you think is going to win? Who do you think will be the next Bachelorette? Who do you hate (who am I kidding, you are women, you probably hate them all)? Be sure to share your thoughts with us.
The Bachelor airs on ABC I think every day of the week but I only have to watch the one that airs on Mondays at 7:00.