Arrow – Muse of Fire

A more fitting title might be “mess of garbage” as that is a near perfect description of this week’s ARROW.  Just as I was starting to sort of like the show, here comes this episode to throw it all away.  I’ll go so far as to say (without exaggeration) that this might have been one of the worst episodes of television I have ever watched.

Why is MIDWEST MARK full of such vitriol?  Head inside to find out… Continuing the “ho-hum-ity” of it’s inaugral season, Oliver’s mother was involved in a motorcycle drive by shooting (queue Third Eye Blind) that was seemingly meant for her but was really meant for her business associate.  Oliver tries to run and catch the motorcycle, because he can run that fast somehow… but the motorcycle narrowly escapes.

Oliver meets a mysterious woman named Helena who is the daughter of Frank Bertinelli the mob boss.  Did I mention that Helena is the assassin? Because they showed that already.  So not that mysterious after all.  Way to destroy the one opportunity for a plot twist.

Helena, who is soon to become “The Huntress”, is played by a relative newcomer JESSICA DE GOUW.  Hopefully this doesn’t ruin the remainder of her career.

Tommy comes back in to douche up the place and ask Laurel to be his girlfriend again.  His rich daddy (who looks as young as he does) took away his trust fund and he spends half the episode running around and whining about it.  Friendly suggestion: get a job, bro.

Near the end, Oliver and Helena are kidnapped by her father’s bodyguard and Oliver saves the day.  Then he breaks into her apartment to awkwardly make out with her.

If this isn’t Emmy material, I’m not sure what is.

The entire episode suffered from especially lousy cliche-driven dialogue, poor editing, half-assed overdubbing, schlocky GREY’S ANATOMY-quality music and goofy sound effects (For instance, Oliver punching the punching bag sounding like a Microsoft Windows ding).

The dialogue was horrendous, and was spoken mainly in three to five word sentences.  Let’s take an example from the following line, spoken not once but twice:  “Oliver Queen… a rich man’s Lindsey Lohan”.  That doesn’t even start to make sense.  Another fine example of the writing talent was his sister Thea: “You left mom in the street.  Alone.  And hurt.  In the street.”

Riveting stuff.

And I would imagine the acting direction being something along these lines:

Thea, you’re up.  Open your eyes wider.  Whatever you do, don’t blink!  ACTION!

“You left mom in the street.  Alone.  And hurt.  In the street.”

Fantastic, but put a little less emotion into it.

“You left mom in the street.  Alone.  And hurt.  In the street.”

Cut!  Screw it, we can’t afford more than two takes.  Ok, Oliver?  Look dumb and confused.  Stare blankly around whatever you are supposed to look at. Lumber around in a circle and make sure to pronounce everything syllabicly.  ACTION!

Speaking of action, they repeated the same one fight scene from every episode prior in which there is a 10 second spurt of hand-to-hand combat ending abruptly in either death or escape.  And it was done twice.

I almost turned it off twice, and I’m a really forgiving person.  As much as I like to poke fun at Arrow, there’s a difference between silly and pathetic… and this was definitely the latter.

0.2 out of 5.  Let’s forget this episode ever even aired.