Around the Web – 12/26/2013

around_the_webWhere do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

-Clark W Griswold Jr.

In news that’s surprising only because I’m shocked it didn’t happen years ago, Jwoww  (AKA Jenni Farley) from JERSEY SHORE announced that she is pregnant.  Now her and Snooki can enjoy awkward motherhood together.  In other news, I never knew that Pauly D was a father… there is zero hope for our next generation. (rumorfix)

Enjoy the 35 Bizarrest Christmas Traditions from around the world.  Why haven’t I ever heard of #35 before?!?  I need to try that one next year. (LoveHomeSwap)

Justin Bieber claims he is retiring from professional singing.  Could you ever call what he did “professional?” Or “singing?”  Allegedly, hiri kiri is a pretty honorable way to go out.  Please take notes. (Hollywood Life)

Did anybody think that Keanu Reeves’ new movie 47 Ronin would be remotely successful?  Funny to note that when adjusted for inflation, BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE will probably gross more than 47 Ronin’s opening weekend.  Potentially its entire run.  It’s currently enjoying a 14% Tomatometer, has already been written-down by Universal Pictures and will forever enjoy the company of other films like JOHN CARTER and THE LONE RANGER as being a complete box office failure.  Will it even make 10% of its budget over the 5-day weekend? (IBN Live)

Don’t focus on the words, focus on the meaning behind the lyrics.  For a decent translation of famous rap lyrics, head on over to Respectful Rappers on Tumblr. (respectful rappers)

Hot chick of the day:  Scarlett Johanssen in a santa hat!  Lots of other santa celebrities after the jump.  Beware: there are a couple of dudes on the list… avert your eyes!!  (the hot hits)